Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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