The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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