My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
