does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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