I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
