just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
