question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
