I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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