It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
