my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
