Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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