After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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