i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
