On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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