Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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