friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
