A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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