I can text with my tongue
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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