I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
