i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
