I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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