Texts From Last Night

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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.

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  (910): I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card. http://tfl.nu/3mw9
  Replies (66) Good night (976) Bad night (3207)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.

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  (512): Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker. http://tfl.nu/5qzf
  Replies (9) Good night (856) Bad night (2942)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar

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  (484): I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar http://tfl.nu/nsmi
  Replies (20) Good night (1437) Bad night (5921)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar

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  (513): you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar http://tfl.nu/7jk8
  Replies (21) Good night (6243) Bad night (807)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...

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  (513): I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten... http://tfl.nu/iblb
  Replies (50) Good night (3213) Bad night (5815)
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  (365): View more from

  Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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  (365): Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine http://tfl.nu/mm7j
  Replies (13) Good night (4641) Bad night (880)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads

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  (516): Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads http://tfl.nu/zprq
  Replies (2) Good night (2720) Bad night (825)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake

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  (503): We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake http://tfl.nu/m3xg
  Replies (13) Good night (3342) Bad night (795)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.

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  (860): Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta. http://tfl.nu/gtno
  Replies (12) Good night (602) Bad night (2462)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.

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  (270): No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife. http://tfl.nu/ovxt
  Replies (4) Good night (1867) Bad night (875)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...

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  (215): I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands... http://tfl.nu/sf3a
  Replies (4) Good night (1160) Bad night (374)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.

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  (618): I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list. http://tfl.nu/7l9z
  Replies (7) Good night (1102) Bad night (488)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.

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  (202): Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat. http://tfl.nu/b8sz
  Replies (4) Good night (515) Bad night (1620)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free

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  (708): And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free http://tfl.nu/lgkw
  Replies (4) Good night (1838) Bad night (480)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  "Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.

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  (314): "Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high. (1-314): When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic. http://tfl.nu/714c
  Replies (2) Good night (877) Bad night (362)

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