I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
