It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
