I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
