so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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