why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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