there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
