she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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