she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
