I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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