Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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