I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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