I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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