I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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