If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize