My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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