I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
