I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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