honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
