Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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