Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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