I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
