I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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