i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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