You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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