stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
