i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
