I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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