God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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