i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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