Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
