I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Randomize
